(*Technically today is day 106 of Miller been on deployment but I wrote it up on Day 105.)

I can’t believe it has been 105 days since Joshua has been officially deployed!

To tell you the truth, time is not flying.  It is going by slowly. It doesn’t help that January is the longest month ever! 

 People ask how I am doing, and I don’t know how to answer them.  We are okay, really we are surviving day by day.  Everyday is hard!  Every night is lonely! I am mostly exhausted!! The never ending cycle of cooking, doing dishes, laundry, getting kids off to school, shopping, homework, tantrums, projects, activities, shoveling, bath time, bedtime stories, multiple trips to get nightly  water cups (you feel me on this one right??), doctor visits, oil changes, insurance calls…ect!!  And I am good at getting through it, I am good at pushing through, mostly, but the feeling are there just the same, it sucks and its lonely!  

Mac asks to see her dad almost everyday, and having to deal with the tears everyday when I tell her she can’t is super heartbreaking for me but the crazy tantrums have pretty much ceased.  Although the messes  I think are the same or have increased! I can’t keep up with her at all, she definitely adds to my “need to do” list by 50 items a day….. Why Though?!!??!?!!

Tristan has found some fun friends in our neighborhood, and we have almost daily nerf wars or games of the sort at our house after school!  Which I am super happy about cuz he has had to deal with things I never wanted my son to deal with, and it has made for some hard days! And I wish I had his dad here to be the other cheerleader in his life to let him know how awesome he is and to give us both comfort.  As we all know when our kid is suffering we are suffering, especially as their mom.  Tristan though has been taking after his dad. He has also been occupying himself with reading about Fredrick the Great, the book is thick and I’m impressed that he picked that up in the biography section at out town library!! So not the reading that is taking after his dad, but the kid is obsessed with History like his dad.

So far Kaiser is handling it the best out of all of us!  He is our glue and our rock!!  He is always up for a good time all about the fun and can find anything to do that he categorizes as fun!  When I can’t make it to an event he is so laid back and tells me “that’s okay mom!” (insert crying mom guilt here)

As Joshua has been away, I’ve come to realize that each of my childern’s whole personality is a piece of their dad’s.   For instance when I describe Joshua I usually say he is a smart ass, positive, easy going, and persistent. Tristan has his dad’s wit aka smart assess (probably more so) and his love of History, Kaiser has his dad’s positive, easy going and all about the fun personality ( and that’s all of his personality), Mckenna has her dad’s persistent nature.  It is her way and if she deems something right in her eyes, there is no stopping her…like her dad!!

I’ve been struggling with terrible mom guilt of not doing certain things with my kids!  Not making it to activities or what not.  Trying to be in more than one place with just me has been a bit tricky!  I try to hit the important stuff, and have to let the other stuff slide, but that doesn’t stop me from crying at night about it in my bed, just sayin’.  

It doesn’t help that my mind and body are in such a slump and I’m trying to crawl out of!!   It all started with the new year and thinking about this year and what I wanted to make of it. Which lead me to read about purpose and values, and goals that align with your purpose and values.  I started thinking what is MY purpose in life?!?!!?  I thought it would be awesome and inspiring to do this for the new year, yet for me it lead to panic and anxiety attacks..ughh!!  I know how to get through it (mostly),but it is work and work that takes time and lots of patience with oneself, which lets be honest patience is something I do not have for myself!!  Which has been a bit counter productive.  So there’s that. 

I kept thinking I would learn to really become a good cook while Joshua is gone, but since I really don’t like cooking…that hasn’t been a priority for me and it still hasn’t happened.  But from what ever food we are eating, its keep us alive..hahah!!  Sometimes though I do nail it and the kids are shocked and the compliments are non stop from them!

On Another Note,

For the holidays we spent it at my parents, which we all love getting to do! Its isolated and some gorgeous country!  My kids of course spent their time playing in the snow they got, feeding cows and riding horses.   The neighbor had a draft team he was feeding with and we went and helped him out on a couple of occasions…more like we played and photographed the horses!

Tristan Got Buried!!

I Love watching my kiddos confidence in their riding increase!  They are all becoming naturals and I love being able to connect with them through our shared passion!!

Wiggles and Peaches: Belgium Draft Team

Our Second Day we fed with the team itwas snowing like crazy!  And our good friends drove from Blackfoot and enjoyed the New Year with us, and helped us feed!

My friend snapped a photo of me..Its fun, probably award winning!! 😉

Filled Under : Cami Joy Photography , Cami Miller , Deployment , Deployment , Uncategorized